I cried for about two days straight last week. I have no idea why. I have no idea why I’m NOT crying now.
I just couldn’t help it. I cried all day long.
And one night I couldn’t work out. I was finally ready, after a day of putting it off. I suited up, walked up to the bar, did one deadlift…
and started crying.
I abandoned the hope of working out that night, figuring the next day would be better.
And on the drive home I sobbed. I wanted to fight. I wished I had a sparring partner, or a lover. I wanted to FIGHT. To push, pull, yell, scream, and be catapulted to a higher place.
I wanted release. Craved it.
So I did the next best thing: I took out my phone, turned on the voice-to-text, and YELLED.
“There is NOTHING about today that can explain the emotions I’m feeling right now. But there’s nothing about these emotions that I’m ready to NOT feel. There’s nothing about this story I’m ready to let go of. And maybe that limits me, but f*ck you.”
And then I started to laugh.
I laughed uncontrollably, with tears running down my face. The only other time I’ve ever laughed so thoroughly while crying so profoundly was when I watched this scene from Steel Magnolias.
What I said was absolutely true: F*ck you. So there.
Our natural inclination is to avoid pain and suffering. And that gets perpetuated in our culture. We often use compassion not to alleviate suffering, but to resist or get out of certain feelings.
We try to fix these negative emotions. Often there’s a running commentary in our mind, “This is wrong. You’re wrong. What’s wrong with you? Snap out of it. Be happy. You’re not supposed to feel this way. No one else feels this way. If only you were just happy….” Ad nauseum. Ad infinitum.
You may not want to stay with the hard stuff forever, but it’s important to acknowledge how hard things are sometimes.
Because isn’t fighting oneself also painful? Don’t you suffer when you are fighting yourself all the time? When you’re not honoring your emotions? Isn’t it exhausting and hard to put on a happy face?
For some reason last week I just couldn’t sit with the hard. I kept wanting to know WHY I was crying, what was causing it, what I could do to stop it. My analytical mind kept trying to get involved and fix.
And when I gave them a microphone, my instincts fought back.
F*ck you Self that says I can’t be as miserable as I want. F*ck you cultural instinct that says I need to be happy and put together all the time. F*ck you anything that says I can’t stay right here, right now. F*ck you anything that says I need to resist these emotions. I don’t need to be fixed.
I just wanted to stop fighting myself. I wanted to feel EVERYTHING. I wanted to not shy away. I wanted to not put on a persona. I wanted to be raw, open, vulnerable, myself.
More than that, I wanted someone who could handle that level of emotion. I wanted someone that could witness that tumultuous angst and get. f*cking. COMFORTABLE with it. I wanted someone to egg me on, push me through the pain and get me through. To the other side. To bliss. I wanted someone who could hear all of my stuff and not get triggered into telling me THEIR stuff.
I wanted to be able to let go. To not feel like I have to maintain control at all times, at all costs.
And that’s why everyone needs a Coach. Or a Therapist. Everyone needs a professional friend, who can listen to every corner of their emotional experience and just witness them.
Not fix, not help, not soothe.
Maybe you have friends or family that can do this for you. But often, friends or family worry long after the conversation is over. They make your stuff theirs, and try and help you get out.
They want you to be happy, which is a beautiful wish. But happiness is not always what’s required.
Wholeness is required.
Wholeness is remembering who you are, not fixing the dysfunctional you that seems to be who you are. There is only light because there is darkness. The opposites make the whole.
Witnessing is what changes lives. That’s what pushes you to new depths, heights, fullness, pain, pleasure, and wholeness.
So look at your life. Are there places where you’re stuck? Places you avoid or resist? Get a coach. Shed light on those places, let your coach help you remember your wholeness, and let yourself be infused with power and healing.